In Defense of Play

Yesterday, the San Diego Union Tribune published an article about this project. With only a week remaining of our "Year of Living Playfully," it was a lovely tribute to everything I've been trying to do this year as well as my beliefs about parenting and (perhaps more importantly) about the preservation of the magic of childhood.

What I didn't expect were the nearly 75 comments following. And while many were articulate and supportive, others were judgmental, even hostile, making a whole lot of assumptions about not only me but my daughters as well. I refrained from commenting on the UT site, but I could not resist responding here...though I suspect most of those naysayers won't bother to actually look at the blog about which the article was written.

First of all, I have not read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I am aware of the controversy, but this project was in no way a response to that book. I began this project because I wanted to be a better mom. It had nothing to do with Amy Chua. It, honestly, had nothing to do with anyone except for my daughters. I kept the blog because the mothers that I know and care about feel the same frustrations, and I thought this might provide some inspiration.

Next, a lot of those responding brought up economics. Some figured I must be wealthy with too much time on my hands. Another worried I might have all this time because I was relying on public assistance. Neither is true. And the beauty of this project is that it isn't about money. It's about time. Granted, because I work at home, I have what many perceive as more time to spend with my girls. And that is absolutely true. I do have more time to offer. But I am only talking about an hour a day. One hour out of twenty-four. A gift from me to my children -- just a sliver of my time. Isn't this something that all parents, rich or poor, at home or at work, should be able to find?

Also, what the article did not mention (because I did not tell the journalist) is that my daughters both excel in academics. The older has tested in the GATE program (the younger will be tested next year). They have both been recognized at their elementary school for leadership and academic excellence. They each have one extracurricular activity they have pursued since they were in pre-school (ballet and gymnastics respectively). We are not "soft" parents...not parents bulldozed by our whimsical children. There are rules in our house which promote respect, honesty, kindness, compassion, and hard work. There are immediate consequences when rules are broken. The girls have both rights and responsibilities in our home. Simply because I decided to interact more with my children, to allow their imaginations and creativity to flourish, does not mean that I stopped disciplining them. (I think these people are imagining some sort of feral kids running wild in our house!) It also doesn't mean we don't care about their academic education. I have two Masters degrees...of course I value education!

From an early entry in the blog:

Every creative impulse I have today I can directly attribute to my parents' encouragement of imaginative play when I was growing up. I remember writing my first "novel" when I was nine years old. My father was the one who dragged the clunky old electric typewriter out of the closet for me, plugged it in, and gave me paper. I wonder if I would have become a writer if he hadn't let me sit there banging out words on that typewriter instead of studying flashcards.

I make my children sit down every day after school and do their homework. I am the overseer of the homework packet, the iron fist of cut-n-paste. But if my husband and I expect to raise children who make and appreciate art, isn't it our responsibility to emphasize the value of their imaginations as well as the value of phonics and multiplication tables?

Lastly, I think the argument played out here is primarily about how we define "success." Here is what I know: Patrick and I are happy people. We have good friends, a close family, and jobs that we are proud of and love to go to every day. This is primarily due to the fact that our own parents supported our passions as kids and taught us the value of following our dreams. As a university instructor, I have taught the proverbial Tiger Moms' kids. They are disciplined, smart, talented, and driven. They will likely find lucrative careers. But they are also the ones whose dreams are not their own.

I am pleased that the article sparked a discussion, and hopefully even those whose gut-response was so negative stopped for a moment to think about the last time they sat down and played with their children.